I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
