goodnight i made you a song goodbye
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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