i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
