that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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