Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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