May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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