Banned from zoo.
Again?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
