I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hippo gnu deer
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
