He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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