he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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