The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
