Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
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