i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
