You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize