So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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