I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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