this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
