so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I want to walk on stilts...naked
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
