I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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