god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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