the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
as a side note pls kill me
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
