i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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