some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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