We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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