I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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