Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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