i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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