dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
