someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
