if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
