My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
