I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
