someone threw a dead crab at me
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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