I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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