I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize