So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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