goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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