Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
