She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
