Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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