youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
