Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
