you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
