Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
