Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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