8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
