new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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