He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
