ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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