how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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