Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
