I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He did a backflip because drugs
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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