Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
