I'm eating all of the evidence.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
