got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
