I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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