When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
