she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
