Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
