I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
