Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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