The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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