Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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