wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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