Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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